I Can't Hear What I'm Saying!

It happens every single day!  Everyone of us has to do it and everyone of us can always improve.  It is a central part of being human.  Every marriage, every family relationship, well . . . EVERY RELATIONSHIP RISES AND FALLS WITH OUR ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE.  I would like to think that I'm a fairly decent communicator.  I've been talking for most of my life . . . you know what I mean!  I've been a preacher, public speaker, and teacher . . . I have a lot of experience trying to get a message across to an audience.  However, every day I'm reminded of my deficiencies as a communicator.  There are days when I don't even know what I'm trying to say!

Too often, when I think I have my act together, circumstances remind me that I still have much to learn.  This is especially true when it comes to our ability to communicate with others.  I have found my communication skills tested most as a husband and as a father.  These are the two most important roles I will ever have in life, so I better learn to sharpen my communication skills so I can hear what others are saying and they can hear what I have to say.

I hear parents say again and again that their teenagers "just doesn't listen."  This may be true, however, communication is ALWAYS a two-way street.  It requires BOTH a "sender" and a "receiver" of a message.  If there is a breakdown in either the way the message is sent or the manner in which it is received, then we have "interference" with the signal.  Interference can come in many forms such as an unclear message, mixed signals, static, or a receiver that isn't tuned well.  The problem can be in the sender, receiver, the medium, or manner in which the message is being sent.  Good communication happens when we are "tuned in" to the right signal.  Additionally, we must be willings and ready to send and receive the right signal.

Here are a few helpful hints to "tune in" to being a good communicator:

(1)  Put yourself in the other person's place:  I will call this "incarnational communication."  Most of us spend our time thinking about what we want to say, not on what the other person is hearing.  If we can understand the needs and circumstances of the one to which we are communicating, we can send a better signal.  This is what Jesus Christ did when, as John said, the Word became flesh and made his dwelling amoung us.  We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)  We understood God better because of the incarnate Son, who lived among us, understood us, and communicated His grace and truth.

(2) Be positive: Interference and walls come down when the message is positive or given from a positive perspective, while negative messages make us defensive, angry, or depressed.  If we can learn to look for the best in others and in our circumstances, then our communication takes a positive approach.  Avoid name calling, making degrading comments, or putting others down.  Rather than focusing on mistakes, failures, or difficulties, look to the future with faith and hope.  Be a problem-solver and encourager.    In the Book of Acts, Barnabas is a great example.  He was always encouraging, standing up for, and supporting others (Paul and John Mark), even when the circumstances would give cause for pessimism. 

(3) Be present: It should be obvious that you have to be "tuned in" to either give or receive a strong signal. The sender must recognize the atmosphere, audience, and attitudes.  They must be present in the moment.  At the same time, it is important to be there to receive appropriate real-time feedback.  In other words, a good communicator is BOTH a good "sender" and "receiver" . . . they LISTEN TOO!  A good communicator is a good listener.  A parent must be interested, empathic, and present in communicating with their teenager.  Placing a priority on understanding BEFORE being understood helps one be present in the message and the feedback.  Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heave, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God's throng of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)  This is the value of prayer.  We are communicating with God, who understands, cares, and empathizes with our circumstances and situations.  He listens to us, so that He can join us in receiving his mercy, grace, and help.

When adults communicate with teenagers, I mean REAL TWO-WAY, POSITIVE, EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION, they make a BIG DIFFERENCE!  Be careful not to talk AT them, TO them, or ABOUT them . . . COMMUNICATE WITH THEM!  That is the most important thing about learning to communicate well, communication is being WITH each other.

I'd love to hear from you!  What do you think?  How do we best communicate with each other?  What helpful communication tips can you add?