Idol Breakfast

Last week I had the rare privilege to sit and talk with Phil Stacey during breakfast at a meeting we were at together. Phil was a top five finisher in season Six of American Idol and was a fan favorite because of his likeability factor. We had a really nice chat about life, family and kids. He talked about how the journey has been such a blessing for his family and how different it was to be "known" be people who feel they know you better than they really do.

Just a month before I had a similar conversation with a former member of my youth group in Kearney, NE who is now the Chi Alpha director at the University of Central Arkansas. It was there that he met and began to work with a young Kris Allen who was last seasons American Idol winner.  He and Kris had connected so much that Matt had Kris on staff with him as his worship director and they spent at least three days a week together. With that in mind I asked Matt what it was like to watch a friend go through  such  a public ordeal. He said it was so weird, and not just because of the national attention his young friend received, but in how those in Conway, AK felt as if they knew everything about him. He told me a story of walking up to a group of student s who had Kris's new song, "Live Like We're Dying" playing, and just mentioned, "Kris Allen huh?" The answer he got back was almost comical to Matt as the students started to tell him about Kris and what kind of guy he was. Matt even asked, "so you know Kris?" and they said he sent them a text message once. What Matt said was that those who really knew Kris were just happy for him, but those who sort of knew him became fanatic.

This celebrity connection is actually something most leaders deal with and don't even realize it. It is referred to as a 'silent coupling.' It takes place when someone feels that they connect well with someone who has a public role. As a result they give the public leader a greater sense of access to their lives. Therefore, they may feel more comfortable exposing sensitive parts of their lives to this person than to those who are directly in their lives. When this happens leaders have to be careful with how they handle this information,  because if they handle it carelessly they can actually do significant damage to the well being of their silent fan.

Think of it this way, when you go to the doctors office you will expose parts of yourself to the doctor that you wouldn't expose to anyone else, and I mean anyone, because you trust them. If that doctor violated your trust and treated you disrespectfully you would feel violated by the experience. In a similar way when we as leaders brush people off who have trusted us with personal access to their needs, even if we didn't ask for it or want it, we run the risk of having them feel violated. It is a danger in being a care giver and leader who  people identify with, but it is a reality.

It was fun visiting with these guys and getting some insight into the life of celebrity. It was also interesting how similar the reactions can be to those in care giving leadership. So the next time you watch American Idol and you comment about a competitor, whether positively or negatively, remember that as a leader, others are probably saying similar things about you. Welcome to the fun journey of silent coupling that occurs in our lives.