The Joy of Parenting Teenagers
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It has long been rumored that parenting adolescents is a horror story waiting to be told. Yes, the road from childhood to adulthood is not easy. The changes that are happening in your child’s life are coming at warp speed. Extreme moodiness in adolescence is normal. Rebellion is an inevitable and necessary part of growing up. If your teenager does not experiment with risky behavior or flirt with the edges of the boundaries you have established, consider yourself lucky. Laurence Steinberg and Ann Levine (You and Your Adolescent, 1997) affirm that troubled adolescence is a part of our “folklore, handed down from generation to generation, and accepted by psychologists, educators, and parents alike.” G. Stanley Hall, considered to be the father of the scientific study of adolescence, described the years from 12 to 23 as a period of “storm and stress.” (Santrock, Adolescence, 8) It is assumed that parents will have to deal with the turbulence and upheaval caused by their children.
Steinberg and Levine, however, disagree with the notion that adolescence equals trouble. (1-3)
Lawrence Bauman (Ten Most Troublesome Teen-age Problems and How to Solve Them, 1998) explains that the teenager who is acting irresponsibly too much of the time is a teenager whom the parents are not permitting to be responsible. (27) The first step in nurturing a responsible teenager is to allow the teenager to be responsible for himself or herself. In a sense, a parent must allow their children to “reap the consequences of his or her own behavior. At the same time, the parent has the added task of giving direction and structure to the adolescent.
There are some fundamental steps that a parent can take to help their adolescent become more responsible: (Bauman, 33-37)
Steinberg and Levine, however, disagree with the notion that adolescence equals trouble. (1-3)
- Adolescence is not an inherently difficult period. Recent studies have shown that psychological problems, misbehavior, family conflict are no more common in adolescence than at any other stage of life. Yes, there are troubled adolescents. However, the majority of individuals and families handle the transitions of the teen years successfully.
- The evils of peer pressure have been overrated. Adolescents are expanding their social influence. They are moving from primarily their family circle to that of their friends. They develop a concern about what others think and they want to be accepted and affirmed. But peer pressure is not a monolithic force that leads all teenagers toward rebellion and destructive behavior. Peer pressure can be a force for good or evil. The crowd a teenager associates with is not random. They generally choose friends whose values, attitudes, tastes, and families are similar to their own. In short, good kids rarely go bad because of their friends.
- The decline of the family has been overstated. Divorce, separation, single-parent families, blended families, abuse, the economy, and absentee parents have all been identified as contributing factors in the rise of adolescent crimes, the decline of moral values, and diminishing parental authority. However, parents remain the major influence on their children’s attitudes and behavior throughout adolescence and into young adulthood. Adolescents care what their parents thing and listen to what they say, even if they do not always admit it or agree with every point. The majority of teenagers like their parents, respect them, and agree with them on the big issues. They might disagree over matters of taste and style, but most teenagers want to please their parents. Good parent-child relationships do not deteriorate because of adolescence. This is true whether parents are married, divorced, single, or remarried.
Lawrence Bauman (Ten Most Troublesome Teen-age Problems and How to Solve Them, 1998) explains that the teenager who is acting irresponsibly too much of the time is a teenager whom the parents are not permitting to be responsible. (27) The first step in nurturing a responsible teenager is to allow the teenager to be responsible for himself or herself. In a sense, a parent must allow their children to “reap the consequences of his or her own behavior. At the same time, the parent has the added task of giving direction and structure to the adolescent.
There are some fundamental steps that a parent can take to help their adolescent become more responsible: (Bauman, 33-37)
- Do not panic, do not punish! The notion of teenage irresponsibility is mostly a heightened perception by parents that their teenager is on the threshold of adulthood; the parents begin to place additional demands on their child. These demands come at the very time when the teenager is trying to find their own identity and autonomy. They equate these parental demands as being “treated like a kid.” The adolescent places a higher priority on their own agenda and do not meet their parents demands and expectations. This creates the scenario for irresponsible behavior.
Parents tend to exaggerate the importance and degree of their children’s irresponsibility, according to Bauman. (33) Many parents mistakenly believe their teenager is purposefully trying to disobey or hurt their feelings by behaving irresponsibly. If they panic and start to punish their teenager for every perceived indiscretion, a parent will solidify the opposing priorities and create an unnecessary battle rather than an opportunity for growth. - Let your teenager be responsible for himself or herself. If a parent reacts or overreacts to a teenager’s irresponsibility through placing additional demands or conditions on their behavior, they are not permitting the adolescent to take on responsibility for himself or herself. Even a “helpful” parent who constantly reminds their child of some missed task is only maintaining ownership of the situation. The teenager will always rely on someone else to remind them and therefore allow someone else to be responsible for their actions or inaction.
Parents must place responsibility where it belongs – on their teenager! They should not fear of it does not work perfectly at first. We all learn from our mistakes, your teenager may actually have to fail a few times before he or she begins to get the message that the responsibility for not failing is their own. - Encourage your teenager. Allowing adolescents to take responsibility for themselves does not mean that you abandon them. Parents must show sensitivity to their children’s emotions and self-worth. Observe what is going on in their life and praise them when they take appropriate responsibility and encourage them when they do not.
When parents expect the worst from their children, they often get it. The most common adolescent response to suspicion, surveillance, punishment, and chastisement is rebellion. When parents take the attitude that teenagers will act like teenagers and there is nothing that can be done, their child concludes that they do not care. The adolescent may turn to peers for guidance or take unhealthy risks in an effort to discover for himself or herself what the limits are or to get the attention that they desire. Negative attention is better than no attention at all in the mind of a teenager.
Parents who refuse to accept the fact that their child is maturing and attempt to keep everything as it always has been run similar risks. Their teenager does not want them to make every decision and solve every problem anymore. They want to take control of their own destiny. If parents do not make room for their teenager to choose their own friends, grant them some privacy, and let them make their own decisions within acceptable limits, adolescents will assert their independence in other ways. In contrast, when parents welcome signs that their child is growing up and expect the best from them, they often find that there is a growing bond of trust and respect between them.
Be positive and nurturing. Speak words of praise and direction into the your teenager’s life. Through this encouragement you will find a friendship develop between you and your child. - Provide structure for your teenager. Parents have to learn to “let go while they hold on.” There is nothing wrong with maintaining a little structure into your adolescent’s life. It lets your teenager know that even though you are willing to step back and let them grow-up, there are still some obligations that come with adulthood and independence. This structure should protect your child, providing the necessary boundaries for behavior, relationships, and values for them to grow into responsible adults. Remember that you are still dealing with children and “emerging adults.” They do not have the experience or discernment that you possess.
Do not overburden them with so many responsibilities that they cannot be “kids.” They will be leaving your home sooner than you think. Adolescents are in a hurry to “grow-up,” but it is your responsibility as a parent to help them enjoy their youth. Learn to enjoy them while you have them, with their faults and virtues. That is one of the joys of being a parent of a teenager!
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